What a Mudda!

"Selfishness and Parenting."  Can those words be in the same sentence together?

I was raised by a very selfish mother. Almost two years have passed since Momma's death and I still can hardly utter those words. The guilt and shame of feeling, of knowing I was second or third on her priorities is really too much to bear. To see it on the screen hurts. And I was just one of five. And the oldest to boot!

You see, it all began a few generations ago... Nah, we won't go that far back. But it is amazing to me to see how being selfish, how being focused on "myself" first can breed such insecurities.

I know of a couple that have been having marriage difficulties for quite some time. From here, she looks incredibly selfish and pompous. Its common knowledge that they are struggling and he seems to be the one bending over backward, struggling to keep the marriage intact. But, he's all about self promotion; they are each artists (in their own genres).Oh, yeah, and they have two children. These kids are such a BTW, they are famished for attention and rules. Its really a tragedy.

I know of another woman, a mother who has all but forgotten herself. She gives a little piece of herself, so often, that at the end of the day she is totally drained and all that's left are fragments of identity. She has coined the phrase,"a soft place to land" and I love that she epitomizes Mommyhood. But at what cost?

In a People interview recently, new mom Drew Barrymore said, “I was raised in that generation of 'women can have it all,' and I don’t think you can. I think some things fall off the table. The good news is, what does stay on the table becomes much more in focus and much more important," she said. I agree. A woman cannot have it all. Education and career and family and marriage and self preservation. Selfishness and parenting cannot share a bed.

Neither a diva nor martyr be. (See previous post)
Its such a tenuous line we walk as mothers.

But I worry for the children. I work in a school cafeteria and it would amaze you how many kids run for hugs. I don't know how a teacher does it. Eight hours of a child or children who need parental attention, parental affection, in a roomful of other children, teaching... These little babies are not by-products of our lives, we gave them life!

Here's a thought. Single parents. Already up against the wall because he/she has to provide, to survive. So already, something has to give. Married parents: hopefully demonstrating love and fairness and harmony to their offspring. Does being in an adult relationship allow for more "me" time or is that just another fragment falling by the wayside? And how much of oneself can a single parent devote to wanting or searching to be in an adult relationship?

But at what cost, the kids?

Its five o'clock in the morning and I realize that these thoughts and blogging them down seems pretty self indulgent. But this time spent at the computer, writing, is scheduled around my girls' lives. Maybe its just those little moments of "me" time that we truly deserve. (Of course, they are captured to the sound of the washer and dryer and silently listing what needs to be put on the grocery list...)

Mommies can't have it all. Our babies first. Period. The end. But after that? What does the priority list?

Happy Mother's Day. What a great, awesome title to have. Mother.