Click

It is thought provoking that our memories seem to freeze images of people we love at a particular moment.

On "The Office" during Jim and Pam's wedding; an older relative reminds them to save personal photo moments. She rips her veil and says she just can't go through the production of the wedding. He cuts his tie to show support. She "clicks" the moment.

My Gram passed away yesterday. I loved how hard working she was. I loved that despite the layers of loneliness and stubbornness, she stood for "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps". "Hide your crazy" is just how you did things. She had true grit.
I picture her at the breakfast table, drinking from her Corelle blue and white teacup, watching Matt Lauer and "The Today Show" in a holy memorization. (click)
I remember her walking in and out of the accounting office at Bloomingdales, where she worked for many years. She didn't have much tolerance for four sets of grandchildren's hands playing on the adding machines. (click)
And I remember her sumptuous holidays: dinner was soup to nuts (actually zuppa to noci), the house was immaculately decorated, and she aways gave the best presents. (Another click moment I IMAGINE is Gram walking into a record store, asking for Led Zeppelin 4 and Cars' Candy-O for me). All that hard work usually resulted in a nap and I remember her snoring in her purple bedroom, all laid out with her feet propped up. (click)

I haven't seen my Gram for quite a long time. She didn't know my babies very much and things were complicated with her daughter, my Mother, and their relationship. As I said, she was a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of woman. Mom wasn't wired that way.

But I am. I am a hard worker and strive to be more no-nonsense, like Gram was. That generation of Baby Boomer Makers was a resilient kind of breed. Gram was an original Single Parent, back in a time it was scoffed: she married or made decisions based on survival. She was very lonely and had lots of regrets, but there was never time to wallow. Put it in a box, drag it out to ponder on once in a while, and put it back away.

In an article in Elle, journalist Arianne Cohen describes her Ayahuasca adventure as a clarifying experience.  "This was great. Surveying my life sans ego, the solutions to various problems become immediately apparent. Many of your troubles are not, actually, complicated. You're going to act or not. What's complicated are your emotional attachments and obligations and others' feelings."

Gram's raison d'etre was just moving on. No wallowing for her, deal with each crisis, each problem as it should be dealt with and live the next moment.  I greatly admired that in Gram.

There is a black and white photo of my Grandmother in a polka dotted skirt, waist cinched tight, voluptuous with big red lips. She was young, with lots of decisions to age her. I haven't seen that picture of her in years. I sometimes think I've imagined it. Perhaps I've made up a click moment.

Yay Me!

I was born a poor, black child...

Steve Martin starts his "autobiography" in "The Jerk" with this line... I still use it to get a laugh every once and awhile.

Today is my birthday. I turned 46: " the downside of my Forties", as my sister puts it. I feel like I am floating on the timeline of my life, kinda not an old person, not a youngin' no mo'. Hello perimenopause, goodbye youth. Did the computer at AARP blip my name at 12:01EST?

I have a friend who did not turn 50 well. I was 40 at the time and truly scared to watch her go through her harrowing experience. Shes not fond of the label "glamorous", but we all think she is just that. She worked through this long hard journey and has emerged not only glamorous, but proud and beautiful. I actually aspire to age that gracefully.

I spent last night at a concert in the Kennesaw Mountains with throngs of young people. Tall, short, fat, ugly, beautiful, black, white.... Self esteem and self expression seems so much easier for these young people these days. (Sorry. There really was no other way to express that thought but to use "these days"). Their parents weren't there, so the few older people that were really got to just sit around and watch. Alcohol did wash away a few inhibitions (or quite a few) but for the most part, there was such a wide acceptance of what was OK, I was really proud of these kids (again, sorry for the geriatric vernacular!).

There will always teenage/young person/46 year old angst to be had. Unfathomable to us old folks, social media and technology adds an entire other layer to teenage angst. Bullying, hazing, peacocking, and mean girls will always abound. "Its a normal part of life" is really a pathetic turd of reasoning.

Aging doesn't suck as much as I thought it would. I don't mind all those years behind me. I look forward to the years ahead of me. I've earned my stripes. I like my stripes, my wrinkles. I like the ever-evolving me. Its really quite exciting to think I will have left a small memorable mark on the world: a legacy, two great human beings I helped create, an imprint somewhere.

Yay me! Happy Birthday to me!

What a Mudda!

"Selfishness and Parenting."  Can those words be in the same sentence together?

I was raised by a very selfish mother. Almost two years have passed since Momma's death and I still can hardly utter those words. The guilt and shame of feeling, of knowing I was second or third on her priorities is really too much to bear. To see it on the screen hurts. And I was just one of five. And the oldest to boot!

You see, it all began a few generations ago... Nah, we won't go that far back. But it is amazing to me to see how being selfish, how being focused on "myself" first can breed such insecurities.

I know of a couple that have been having marriage difficulties for quite some time. From here, she looks incredibly selfish and pompous. Its common knowledge that they are struggling and he seems to be the one bending over backward, struggling to keep the marriage intact. But, he's all about self promotion; they are each artists (in their own genres).Oh, yeah, and they have two children. These kids are such a BTW, they are famished for attention and rules. Its really a tragedy.

I know of another woman, a mother who has all but forgotten herself. She gives a little piece of herself, so often, that at the end of the day she is totally drained and all that's left are fragments of identity. She has coined the phrase,"a soft place to land" and I love that she epitomizes Mommyhood. But at what cost?

In a People interview recently, new mom Drew Barrymore said, “I was raised in that generation of 'women can have it all,' and I don’t think you can. I think some things fall off the table. The good news is, what does stay on the table becomes much more in focus and much more important," she said. I agree. A woman cannot have it all. Education and career and family and marriage and self preservation. Selfishness and parenting cannot share a bed.

Neither a diva nor martyr be. (See previous post)
Its such a tenuous line we walk as mothers.

But I worry for the children. I work in a school cafeteria and it would amaze you how many kids run for hugs. I don't know how a teacher does it. Eight hours of a child or children who need parental attention, parental affection, in a roomful of other children, teaching... These little babies are not by-products of our lives, we gave them life!

Here's a thought. Single parents. Already up against the wall because he/she has to provide, to survive. So already, something has to give. Married parents: hopefully demonstrating love and fairness and harmony to their offspring. Does being in an adult relationship allow for more "me" time or is that just another fragment falling by the wayside? And how much of oneself can a single parent devote to wanting or searching to be in an adult relationship?

But at what cost, the kids?

Its five o'clock in the morning and I realize that these thoughts and blogging them down seems pretty self indulgent. But this time spent at the computer, writing, is scheduled around my girls' lives. Maybe its just those little moments of "me" time that we truly deserve. (Of course, they are captured to the sound of the washer and dryer and silently listing what needs to be put on the grocery list...)

Mommies can't have it all. Our babies first. Period. The end. But after that? What does the priority list?

Happy Mother's Day. What a great, awesome title to have. Mother.

Girl Power!

Here's to Good Women: may we know some, may we be one, and may we raise them.

This may be my motto.

In my 45 years of existence, I have known some amazing women. This week is Teacher Appreciation Week; School Nurses Day falls in there and it all culminates with Mother's Day. Over the years I have been left with  wonderful memories of women I have known, wonderful insights to women I used to know and have re-connected with (thank you, Facebook), and wonderful examples in women I see day-to-day. I've always wanted to say thank you for a lesson learned or a characteristic exemplified. I'd like to name/list and highlight each woman.

I will use some names, some will remain nameless, and I may even pseudonym (is that a verb?) a few. Here goes:

I was rather unmoved in elementary school by any teachers: I was just trying to survive my insane childhood. The true beacon of light in my (and my siblings') world was Ellie Babbitt, the school nurse. She provided the only normalcy in my tangled childhood. I remember the feeling of comfort just being in her office. I'd hide from fourth grade monsters and run from things that didn't feel right at home. Sometimes, I'd be sick. But for most of the time, she was a soft place to land. I see Mrs. Forest, at the little elementary school my family loves, caring for attention seeking children. Mrs. Forest treats the ill, the injured, and the plain 'ol needy. She retires this year. She has taken on the cares of so many hearts; staff and students alike. It seems trite to say she will be missed. She is one of a kind: straight forward and loving.

• Jenn Barr. my first peek into the working world. She showed me the value of hard work, taught me to smoke, and I was in her wedding. She drove a Camaro, had huge Eighties' hair, and was a vegetarian. Jenn had it going on.
• Lydia: I also worked with her at Welsh Farms The Eatery at Panther Valley. My oldest child is named partially due to this great lady. She was tall with dark long hair and four kids. She didn't look a day over 22. She was simply elegant. As elegant as one can be in Allamuchy, NJ.
• Grace Finn: Grace once said to me, "I keep money aside from my husband. You never know when I might need an emergency fund." And I thought, "That's terrible! Doesn't romance and marriage mean anything? Wheres the trust?". Now, I understand. No, it doesn't mean there's a Swiss bank account with my millions, but there is something to be said for assurance. Grace also taught me about working smarter, not harder.
• Pat Shea: the woman was crazy. Bright, long, red hair that served as a parachute behind her (I swear, it was the only thing that slowed her down). She'd have a cigarette in both hands, selling banquet space. THAT woman could sell anything. Two sons and a husband, no need to tell you who ran that household.

Those are some of the women of my past past lives.  More currently, I'd like to shout out to:

• a waitress who was a raging alcoholic and an A Number 1 Enabler. She took care of so many people (mostly for tips) that she showed me why and where a boundary needs to be drawn.
• a manager so self-centered (cue Toby Keith's "I Wanna Talk about Me"), literally every sentence started with "I".
• a supervisor battling cancer. She showed me how to juggle. Employees, Administration, John Q. Public, husband, family. It What It Is.
• a supervisor in training. This lady is a hard working, no nonsense kind of lady that values fairness. I realized, I really admire that in a person.
• an intuitive, brilliant administrator that in one simple sentence explained to me why people are so selfish and don't listen. Sometimes I feel like sitting at her feet and listening to her life lessons, O Wise One.

The following list of women is women I've reconnected to via social media. My age group of friends fall somewhere between only seeing one another at reunions every ten years and tweeting inane, mundane moments.

• a preteen friend who is battling/survived cancer and is a teacher. I love her attitude, her committment to destroying this disease, and her joie de vivre. Ironically, I envied her big boobs as a teen. Now, I'd just switch places with her to take the pain.
• a lifelong friend who recently got her Master's to teach and raise awareness for Autism. She was always the Most Popular. And I realize how much she has taken on with her mother... been there, done that. I send my wish/love/support for more days with my mother to her....
• another lifelong friend that is also a teacher. Tough and gritty, but always fun. I miss her laugh and Emeraude. ("we weren't smoking")
• a high school friend that turned out exactly like what I admired her for: Her integrity. A wonderful mix of culture and "Kumbaya."
• a "rival". This woman was the dark haired mirror to me. I imagined for many, many years that this person was put on the face of the earth to want what I wanted, to have what I had. "Everyone has a rival", I'd say. Funny. She has such a caring love of beauty and has faith, that now I want to be like her. Tenho saudades de min.
• a high school friend I ran with. She was artistic, wild, and passionate. Still to this day: artistic and passionate. We all calm down a bit to raise daughters... Raise a glass of Chianti to Happiness, may it sit down next to you at the family table.

Countless others that seem to fill little holes in me. Women that run schools, are full time, incredibly devoted mothers, women who sit around (seemingly) pampering themselves... They all are amazing women in their own way.

My everyday is also filled with great women. My community abounds with them!

• a local business owner with a blend of Faith and humor, who epitomizes Southern dignity.
• a "young" administrator that has proved the Nay-sayers wrong.
• a bus driver who teaches me that "being present" is for safety as well as sanity.
• a co-worker who may only have 1 grown child at home, but everyday she has 160 on the busand her. And creatively loves and respects on them all.
• a fellow parent with the tenacity of a bulldog. She runs a house with four boys, the PTA, and a full time job and not a one suffers.
• a co-worker that has awakened my appreciation for a good book. And for a little glamour in our diesel world.
• Ms. Lola, who works at the neighborhood grocery store. As the years go by, she becomes more frail, but no less loving and involved. Knows the kids by name, will do any job they ask of her. She deserves a big hug. She makes me look forward to old age!
• a friend that has succeeded in a her career, remarried, and her life is straightening out. It is a pleasure to see good things happening for her.
• a military spouse who keeps it real. Worries about the right things and keeps a calm head about her. She's got courage.

Now to the future. When I was a manager at a local BBQ restaurant, there were a bevy of high school girls (and boys) that called me "Mommy." I was, in fact, Famous Mommy. They all make me so proud, to see what great women they have become.

• Kelly... she is me, 20 years ago. I love watching as she accomplishes at her age, what I did not. She has a beautiful eye in photography, a gorgeous baby, and a loving marriage. She doesn't seem to make the same mistakes I did... so maybe she's not too much like me! I learn from her. That's pretty cool.
• Kelli... a teacher. So supportive and smart. And married to your best friend. You got it right, honey.
• Alexpo...a NURSE! Oodles of admiration for you. What a satisfying profession. And Dom's not so bad either...
• Breanna... who showed me not only the meaning of integrity, but of empowerment. I have a Vogue habit now, because Breanna bought one for me and I realized how gorgeous the big beautiful world can be. I live vicariously through this brilliant woman.
• QT, Kitty, Katie... great mommys. They approach raising kids with a quiet clarity that's not fearful. And Zoe and Chase and Liam know it. Those are Famous Mommies!
• Courtney... laid way back there. Beautiful family, smart career, honest marriage. You are a force to be reckoned with.

Whew! I had to get those thoughts down! As you can see, this post does not touch upon my love and admiration for my family or Sissy. Mother's Day is coming! Stay tuned.

Grace

There seems to be moments in our lives that anvils drop from above and we understand clearly something that has been puzzling heretofor.

I was awake very early this Easter morning, surfing the channels. I have my own TV watching habits: start at 872 and press the channel down button (my thumb doesn't have reach too far). Stop at Nickelodean and catch an 80's sitcom, Animal Planet (chockful of snakes this morning...) maybe AMC (too many commercials), skip all the sports channels, and land on Style and E!. Rarely do I continue to GMC; but today, since there were so many infomercials, I landed on 825.

Im not crazy about Country music, really don't like videos in general (I like to interpret my own music), and avoid GMC. But I like Alan Jackson: a Country wordsmith. When I saw this video announced, I thought, "Wow, how could he have written a song or made a video with the same title as the universally loved song." I was really relieved when I realized, it was in fact Alan Jackson singing the simple tune.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." We've heard or even sang this song in every style imaginary: off key in church, with a bluegrass twang, even with a 13 year old angel singing with a full orchestra. Funerals, bagpipes, even as a hiphop arrangement. I have been moved by this song, its tearjerked my emotions occasionally, but it was really only today I understood the lyrics.

I have not seen the movie, nor read anything about the song's origin; but I do know it was written as a voice against slavery. Alan Jackson cites John Newton as the songwriter. Alan sang the entire song, gradually adding instruments and building to a fuller finish. The lyrics are beautiful:

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

 

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How preciuos did that Grace apear

The hour I first believed.

 

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come;

"Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

 

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

 

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

 

When we've been here ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun.

 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

 

 

The anvil had fallen from the sky. I was hit upside the head with understanding. I understood Grace. On this morning of celebrating the Ressurection, I had been led to understand God's wonderous gift of Grace.

 

Simply stating, "I accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior" is all I had to say to join a church. Although I cannot begin to address all the questions I had (and still have), it was understood that I understood Grace.

 

I didn't.

 

As I watched this video, I was reminded that everyday is a resurresction of sorts. From the moment when we say the Prayer of Salvation, our faith dies a little each day. We are human. Dangers, toils, and snares get us at every part of our lives. Grace is knowing Salvation is born anew every day.  "We've no less days to sing God's praise than when we've first begun."

 

He is amazing. He is risen. And today I look forward to cherising Grace, by believing again and again.

 

Happy Easter.