599,999,999 Other Souls

I received a text the other day; after I had left warm ham and cheese biscuits in her workspace, calling me thoughtful. I didn't think too much of it, kinda pshawed it. And then I realized I liked that accusation.

Next day, I texted everyone I worked with appreciation for an unsung job well done. And that same woman texted me back with "See? Just like I said yesterday."

I am an advocate of manners. I expect the children I come in contact with everyday to have basic manners. The old cliche: "please and thank you go a long way" ring so true.  Basic civility, acknowledgement, maybe even some kindness.  I think nothing of nicely stating "You're welcome" after I have not received a "thank you." Its not sarcasm (but I am rather proficient at that!) its a genuine statement or affirmation of what should have transpired.

Fun. has a song out with the line "I still don't know what I stand for." I think I'm getting closer to my answer. I stand for thoughtful. It seems to encompass all the good things: manners, gratitude, appreciation and kindness. It is part of my mitochondrial DNA, Mother always wanted more kindness in the world.  I think toughtfulness starts with me. By being accused of thoughtfulness, I recognize I am not the center of the universe. That there are 599,999,999 other people that could use my good wishes, my prayers, or my smile. And lots of creatures too.

God has blessed me with so much. From a roof over my head to my health to basic joy: shouldn't I share what I can? I'm not eloquent or rich or worldly but I can express my gratitude by sharing a little, having simple, good manners, and being thoughtful. I like that: thoughtful.

Neither a Martyr or Diva be...

Its not a crossroads. Its not just a few small decisions. It is not a question of wifeship or motherhood. It is an elementary quandry of womanhood. How much do I give?

How much do I give?

And why do I always feel like the hounds are shredding me apart, so no one gets a wholehearted share, but rather a ripped tidbit that surely is not my very best?

If I start my day out as the best whatever my career, surely I lack in the attention and love my children bid from me. Or commit myself to a great marriage and all the work it entails? Then does my career suffer?

I want to go back to school. I am 45 years old and not using my "God given talents"; as my husband puts it. The only way to not return to a lower tax bracket is to get an education. That would mean nights away from my children. One of my children is having a very hard time in school and deserves my full attention, academically. The other is a highly sensitive dynamic preteen. How much do I give to them? And how much do I give to me?

I have serious issues with selfishness/selflessness. Neither martyr nor diva. As an intelligent woman, I deserve happiness. I'll shout that from the mountaintop. I know it to be true.

But how do I do it?  How much do I give?