On "The Office" during Jim and Pam's wedding; an older relative reminds them to save personal photo moments. She rips her veil and says she just can't go through the production of the wedding. He cuts his tie to show support. She "clicks" the moment.
My Gram passed away yesterday. I loved how hard working she was. I loved that despite the layers of loneliness and stubbornness, she stood for "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps". "Hide your crazy" is just how you did things. She had true grit.
I picture her at the breakfast table, drinking from her Corelle blue and white teacup, watching Matt Lauer and "The Today Show" in a holy memorization. (click)
I remember her walking in and out of the accounting office at Bloomingdales, where she worked for many years. She didn't have much tolerance for four sets of grandchildren's hands playing on the adding machines. (click)
And I remember her sumptuous holidays: dinner was soup to nuts (actually zuppa to noci), the house was immaculately decorated, and she aways gave the best presents. (Another click moment I IMAGINE is Gram walking into a record store, asking for Led Zeppelin 4 and Cars' Candy-O for me). All that hard work usually resulted in a nap and I remember her snoring in her purple bedroom, all laid out with her feet propped up. (click)
I haven't seen my Gram for quite a long time. She didn't know my babies very much and things were complicated with her daughter, my Mother, and their relationship. As I said, she was a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" kind of woman. Mom wasn't wired that way.
But I am. I am a hard worker and strive to be more no-nonsense, like Gram was. That generation of Baby Boomer Makers was a resilient kind of breed. Gram was an original Single Parent, back in a time it was scoffed: she married or made decisions based on survival. She was very lonely and had lots of regrets, but there was never time to wallow. Put it in a box, drag it out to ponder on once in a while, and put it back away.
In an article in Elle, journalist Arianne Cohen describes her Ayahuasca adventure as a clarifying experience. "This was great. Surveying my life sans ego, the solutions to various problems become immediately apparent. Many of your troubles are not, actually, complicated. You're going to act or not. What's complicated are your emotional attachments and obligations and others' feelings."
Gram's raison d'etre was just moving on. No wallowing for her, deal with each crisis, each problem as it should be dealt with and live the next moment. I greatly admired that in Gram.
There is a black and white photo of my Grandmother in a polka dotted skirt, waist cinched tight, voluptuous with big red lips. She was young, with lots of decisions to age her. I haven't seen that picture of her in years. I sometimes think I've imagined it. Perhaps I've made up a click moment.
